


If Your Dead Mother Talks, Don't Answer

by Ellynne



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-02
Updated: 2017-05-02
Packaged: 2018-10-26 19:55:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10793667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellynne/pseuds/Ellynne
Summary: A little chat between dead Milah and her son.





	If Your Dead Mother Talks, Don't Answer

**Author's Note:**

> This was written back before we knew that Baelfire had become Neal Cassidy (and there were fics showing everything from a fourteen year old Bae to octogenarians). It was done as the result of a challenge. "Pick two characters from a show. One or both of these MUST have been killed off. Describe a conversation between those two."

**Bae:** Mom!

 **Milah:** Sorry, did you say something? I was just admiring myself in the mirror over here.

 **Bae:** It's me! Baelfire!

 **Milah:** Oh, have we met? Don't tell me where. It'll come. So, tell me, do you think I should wear the brown skintight leather pants? Or the black ones? Brown's a better color for me, but you can never go wrong with black leather.

 **Bae:** Oh, that's leather? I thought it was a thin layer of mucus – uh, I mean, I'm Baelfire! Your son!

 **Milah** [horrified]: My what?

 **Bae:** Your -

 **Milah:** I heard you! Don't say it! Don't tell anyone! I am not admitting to having a son as old as you – wait [looks him over curiously], how old are you? Part of me thinks you're a fourteen year old boy, part of me gets the idea your some guy in his late twenties or early thirties.

 **Bae:** How should I know? You think the writers tell me anything? They aren't even saying if they've cast me yet. But, aren't you excited to see me?

 **Milah:** Oh, of course I am, Benmire.

 **Bae:** Baelfire.

 **Milah:** Whatever. Not a day went by after I walked out on you and your father without a backward glance for some hot pirate I'd met the day before that I didn't think how sad it was that I'd never see my little Bobwire -

 **Bae:** It's _Baelfire._  
**  
Milah:** Stop interrupting. Never see my little boy - er, there was just one of you, right? I'm not forgetting anyone else, am I?

 **Bae:** I'm an only child.

 **Milah:** Well, that's a relief. I wouldn't want to make this speech twice - never see my little boy again.

 **Bae:** Uh, so, Mom, if you became a pirate, why did Poppa say you died?

 **Milah:** Oh, he probably thought I did. My boyfriend - have you seen him? Killian Jones? Total hottie! - told him some story about me being kidnapped and gang raped by him and his pirates to get him to go away and leave us alone. Not that your father could ever take a hint. Did you know Killian actually had to point a sword at him to get him to walk - sorry, _hobble_ away? I gave him the idea. The story was based on some of those boring recollections your father used to have about things he saw in the war. Honestly, I don't know how I put up with that. "Battlefield strewn with corpses of my dead friends," "Screams of the dying," "Refugee children brutalized by people who should have helped him," blah, blah, blah, talk, talk, talk. Try and get him to shut up long enough to discuss something that _mattered_ like getting me a new nail file. "Oh, no, we need to spend the money on food for Flat-tire" or whatever that kid's name was.

 **Bae:** That'd be me, Mom.

 **Milah:** And you're not hungry, now, are you? But, that was your father, wasting money all the time on things I - I mean we - didn't need.

 **Bae:** . . . . uh, so tell me, Mom, how'd you wind up dead?

 **Milah:** Oh, that was all your father's fault. He met up with Killian - the hot pirate, remember? And, for no reason at all, decided to get in a fight with him -

 **Bae:** Think he might have still been upset about the gang rape and murder thing?

 **Milah:** Oh, he was! Can you believe it? That man could never take a joke. Even when I showed him I was alive and well, and _told_ him I'd run off with Killian instead of being kidnapped, he just couldn't let it go. Then, he was in my face asking how I could run off and forget about Bentiron - and I'm telling him I thought about poor little . . . uh . . . poor, little . . . whatever we called him. Unless it was a girl. Let me think. I'm pretty sure there was a little girl I saw running around the neighborhood sometimes. What was her name? Mary? Moira?

 **Bae:** Morraine, Mom. She lived next door. _I'm_ your son.

 **Milah:** Oh, no. I never admit to being over twenty-five. Even if the show keeps you at just fourteen, there's no way I could have a son as old as you. Anyway, I finally had to explain to Rumple that it was all his fault I'd been so miserable I left, what with him being such a boring, pain in the neck; and I'd never loved him - like that should have been a surprise. Love Rumplestiltskin? Did he really think I could ever do that? But, that man was nothing but ego. I told you about how he could go on and on about himself.

Well, next thing I know, he's all upset and magically tearing my heart out as if I'd said something _bad._ But, at least the last thing I saw was my totally cute Killian and he promised he'd kill Rumple for me some day even if he had to spend centuries figuring out how to do it.

Do you know, after I died, I met some dead guy named Daniel who got a chance to go back and talk to his old girlfriend and he actually told her _he wanted her to move on_ and be happy _without him?_ What's up with that? No, I can rest easy knowing my Killian is never going to even _think_ of any woman but me.

 **Bae:** You know, for a guy who just found out my father killed my mother, I'm not feeling nearly as mad at him as I think I should.

Oh, and, Mom? FYI, everybody knows Killian is chasing after Emma Swan


End file.
